Ice Cream supremos join campaign to improve the lot of the humble dairy cow
Bear with the Tank. Outside it seems the very air is shaking as the drills of gold-liveried monsters pummel and pound the lot opposite to clear the way for high end flats and retail opportunities.
It's enough to make even the most fervent city mouse long for the sounds of the countryside - well, at least that part of the countryside not directly in the path of HS2 or Nick Boles.
So not for the first time, we say thank cripes for Ben and Jerry's, for the purveyors of comedy ice cream flavours to suit your each and every heartbreak have taken it upon themselves to stand up for cow health.
Shockingly to anyone who hasn't read Animal Farm, there are currently no rules in place to protect the specific welfare needs of the EU's 23 million dairy cows. Other farm animals have got themselves covered by rules and regulations, but not the humble dairy cow apparently.
Now this came as a surprise to the Tank, because cows are very much like us homo sapiens. They have small friendship groups they spend most of their time with, they hold grudges for years, and choose their leaders wisely based on intelligence, inquisitiveness, confidence, and experience. Actually, they're probably well ahead of us on that last one.
Anyway, it seems 10 million cows are currently suffering from issues such as cramped living conditions, a poor diet, health problems, and inadequate care and would benefit from the protection of an EU Directive.
Ben and Jerry's response? A 1.3 metre high by 12 metre wide work of art featuring contented cows with access to pasture and the signatures of over 293,000 cow campaigners from partner organisations Compassion in World Farming (Compassion) and the World Society for the Protection of Animals (WSPA). Honestly, don't count - you'll just have to trust us on this.
Anyway, each signatory's name has been used to create the background of the painting: the sky, the clouds and every one of the 28 European flags. The artwork was handed to the European Commission in Brussels on Wednesday sparking, we imagine, hissed comments as bureaucrats struggle to find somewhere to stash it where it can be quickly fished out whenever Ben or Jerry pop by unexpectedly display it prominently.
So what's their moo-tivation, we hear you ask? (sorry).
Well, apart from general compassion for your fellow beast, something even greater is at stake. Just listen to Jerry Greenfield himself: "As ice cream experts, we understand that happy cows and happy farmers means better tasting ice cream."
So unless you want your Chunky Monkey to turn all kinds of funky, you'd better get on board with a campaign that is anything but Half Baked.