One of the Tank's New Year's resolutions is to stop picking up things we find in the street. But then the assortment of newspapers, litter, and gum we've used respectively to fuel, decorate, and repair the flat we call home have never been worth thousands of dollars to anyone.
Unlike US company Petite Mort Fur, which has made an - ahem - 'killing' from the recycled pelts of animals run over on the highway.
In what must be an industry first - or fur-st - former management consultant Pamela Paquin has turned dead raccoons, weasels, and even bears found on Massachusetts roads into muffs, glovers, and wrist cuffs.
Paquin got the idea when noticing how many dead animals were on the roads after she returned to the US after a stint living in Europe. Studies estimate around a million animals are killed on US roads every day - significantly more than the 50 million killed every year for use in fashion and a sizeable under-utilised resource.
After failing with her first carcass, a raccoon, Paquin succeed in creating a neck muff with her next effort. In probably the best quote you'll read today, she told the Times "If you put two raccoons butt to butt, it's just long enough to wrap around your neck. It's so fluffy."
Paquin has a surely unprecedented agreement with her local highways department to notify her of dead animals, which she then skins before placing the bodies in the woods in a foetal position. Petite Mort Furs has enlisted the help of a local taxidermist and seamstress and by all accounts is going hell for leather, with Paquin fielding investment offers of $300,000 to $500,000. Presumably the company's prospects have also been boosted by translating its English name, orgasm pelt, into the French?
Rumours of a rival UK business, set up by a former environment minister with a hatred for badgers are, as yet, unfounded.
The Tank often ponders how best to register our outrage at the world's rainforests being felled. Should we boycott products associated with illegal logging? Protest against companies involved? Or should we do the sensible thing and be eaten by a snake on TV?
If you're nodding along with the third idea, your name is probably Paul Rosolie, who must be the only person - ever - to volunteer for a trip down an anaconda's gullet. Although Nicki Minaj came pretty close.
Footage of Rosolie, an explorer and wildlife expert, being decked out in a custom-made snake-proof suit before being swallowed alive and subsequently regurgitated by a giant anaconda will apparently appear on the Discovery channel next month - unless execs bow to pressure from animal rights groups who have, understandably, come out against the stunt.
Perhaps the most astonishing thing about the whole affair which, to recap, will see A MAN BEING EATEN BY A SNAKE, is Rosolie's reasons for doing it, outlined in an Entertainment Weekly piece entitled 'A man, an Anaconda, and Their Quest To Save the Earth' that rather unfairly suggests the snake had a choice in the matter.
"I've seen entire 1,000-mile stretches of rainforest burned to the ground where every single plant and animal is destroyed - and no one pays attention to that," Rosolie said. "I've seen scientists spend their entire lives trying to rally public opinion and support, and people just don't care. People care about animals; they don't make the jump to caring about the habitat the animals live in... So I wanted to do something that would force a dialogue about what's going on here - and it's working."
When asked, reasonably, whether there might have been a better way to highlight rainforest destruction than being EATEN BY AN ACTUAL SNAKE, Rosolie replied, "No. There's not." Before adding, "Nothing else that I could have done would have gotten more attention than this". Which is probably true now that the BBC has decided wall-to-wall UKIP coverage is what the news-consuming public really wants.
But look. We are losing an estimated 58,000 square miles of forest every year - that's around 36 football fields every minute, folks. You can even watch the numbers tick up in real time. A well-intentioned chump halfway down a snake's gullet is not going to change this, unless delegates at Lima are sharing it on YouTube.
24 Oct 2014
The Sceptic Tank loves to hear about actors, presenters, and other public figures who use their high profiles to push for action on climate change. Take Leonardo DiCaprio, who, as the latest box fresh United Nations Peace Envoy stood up in front of world leaders to demand action on climate change, or Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, who successfully took up the fight against overfishing.
Then there is Dame Vivienne Westwood battling for a climate revolution or Sir Paul McCartney leading the charge against fracking and joining forces with his daughter Stella to back the Meat Free Monday Campaign. Even former Apprentice contestant Syed Ahmed claims to have developed the most energy efficient handryer on the planet. The list goes on.
So just imagine our delight to learn this week that blond bombshell and Made in Chelsea star Richard Dinan has embarked on one of the most challenging quests facing the scientific world - supplying clean power from nuclear fusion technology.
The lack of a university degree has not stopped Dinan, who has apparently tutored himself in nuclear physics. How he found the time while running his own business and appearing on the E4 reality drama show remains unknown. But any gaps in his knowledge will certainly be filled in by the team of plucky scientists from Applied Fusion Systems that he has reportedly recruited to help deliver on his nuclear vision.
What's more, once Dinan has cracked the small matter of generating nuclear fusion power, he plans to start printing out the necessary components with his 3D printing business - cutting edge or what?
The promise of nuclear fusion often seems too good to be true - a low carbon, safe abundant source of power, but scientists have joked for at least 30 years that the necessary commercial breakthrough is 30 years away and always will be. However, Dinan and his team are more optimistic, pointing to recent breakthroughs from Lockheed Martin, the International Thermonuclear Experimental Reactor (ITER), and the Joint European Torus (JET) experiment.
Dinan says he can't think of a more "exciting prospect than working in the engine room of a star". Neither can we, Richard. Neither can we.
Next week: Spencer Matthews and the giant geo-engineering space mirrors.
The Tank has long given up taking two bottles into the shower. We just want to wash what's left of our hair and go. And then have the empty shampoo bottle turn into a tree.
It such an obvious final step, we're simply flabbergasted hair care brands spend all that time advertising glossiness, strength, and a wet, shiny nose (You're using that dog shampoo again - Ed) when they could be emphasising the potential to create your own arboretum with discarded bottles and the dirt from your bathroom tiles.
Fortunately, Taiwanese company O'right has blazed a trail for an industry that trades on images of flaxen-haired beauties performing ablutions in forest-bound waterfalls, but falls markedly short on providing said forests for said beauties to bathe in.
O'right - or should that be O'riiiiiiight - says its commendably straight to the point 'Tree in the Bottle' shampoo features a first of its kind biodegradable bottle made from a plastic-like starch, which in turn is processed from fruit, plant, and vegetable waste. More importantly, each bottle comes preloaded with tree seeds in a plug at the bottom - in a matter of months, the bottle will biodegrade and the seeds inside will sprout into a tree.
"Most people probably don't expect... their empty shampoo bottle to grow into a tree!" says the company with notable restraint. But then its advertising also confusingly insists, "What she is expecting is also the expectation of the river." No, us neither. And if all that's insufficiently odd for you, O'right also has a shampoo made from recycled coffee grounds collected from Starbucks and other coffee shops.
Clearly, there's something in the water in Taiwan. Perhaps it's all that weird green shampoo.
Poor Manchester United fans. Forced to watch from the side-lines as rivals Liverpool and Manchester City take on Europe's finest in the Champions League, sputtering out prawn sandwiches as their ludicrously expensive team contrives to lose to Leicester City and MK Dons, and battling with the road works on the M6 that add another 90 minutes to the drive back down to Surrey.
But perhaps things are now looking up. United's latest Spanish signing is Abengoa - no, not the classy yet resilient centre half the team is crying out for, but a technology company better known for green energy and biofuels. The firm has been brought in as the club's first Official Sustainable Technology Partner and is now promising to give a boost to the team's already impressive green credentials. The Tank reckons this is also a first for English football, but we haven't actually checked - what do you think we are, a journalist or something?
Anyway, according to a United statement, Abengoa will "identify, advise and implement sustainable ways in which Manchester United can save resources and reduce waste", ultimately helping the club "enhance and develop its sustainable business practices". Rumours that it could also offer advice to Louis Van Gaal on how to sustainably integrate six attacking players into a team without compromising defensive capabilities were left unconfirmed.
Now the Tank could query Utd's priorities - after all, this is a club that has seen fit to enlist official tyre, paint, and global noodle partners before Abengoa came on board.
But even during its well-documented travails, Man Utd remains one of the biggest draws in a competition whose matches attract an average global audience of 12.3 million people.
No wonder Abengoa's chief executive, Manuel Sánchez Ortega, talks of "an excellent opportunity to show the world of football and its millions of supporters, including the next generation of sports fans, the principle of responsible and sustainable management of our energy and environment".
Ortega certainly talks a good game - no word if he's any good in defence, though.
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