02 May 2014
Back in its youth, The Tank once received a break-up phonecall from an irate lady. "But we've never even met," we insisted. "I know," came the reply, "but you're on the list for a peremptory warning in case we ever do." Still, got her phone number though - that 1471 works like a charm.
Of course, we've settled down since those heady days, and now have a water-tight pre-nup that ensures ownership of each and every one of the chocolate digestives in the flat should Mrs Tank ever feel the need to trade us in for a newer model.
But while the document covers most of the standard causes of family break-up - poor dishwasher stacking, laughable attempts at DIY, constructing forts out of the recycling - the legal eagles at Lawyers-R-Us who penned it seem to have overlooked the latest cause of marital disharmony: smog.
Yes, smog - not the brains behind the classic Dress Sexy at my Funeral - but toxic airborne particulates many of which can currently be found clogging up Chinese cities.
The effect has been most famously documented in Beijing, where one denizen is facing divorce because of poor air quality.
State media reports that the wife of a man named Wang, took their infant son away from the city to the southern resort island of Hainan to escape the fug after he developed health problems. Amazingly, she didn't enjoy life on a tropical island - or living without Wang - but she did find that she ended up fighting with her husband whenever they met.
Fed up with the situation, Wang has now filed for divorce in a Beijing court. "Smog 'buried' my son's health, and it has 'buried' my marriage," he was quoted as saying.
The Tank would like to tell everyone involved to take a good, long look at themselves; but given the state of the haze in Beijing we're not sure that's actually possible.
25 Apr 2014
Hurrah! The sun is out and so the Tank has rammed its stockinged feet into sandals, perched a hilarious ‘kiss me quick' hat atop an already purpling brow and jumped on a train to the coast.
While we would usually spend the day impressing both the ladies and the local constabulary with those fraying Speedos we've proudly sported since Year 8 swim classes and kicking over children's sandcastles, this time the Tank has a new diversion. And it's not just any beach toy. No, this is an M&S beach toy.
You see, the good people at Marks and Sparks have launched a new Frisbee - a concept no doubt arising from a rather literal interpretation of a directive from on high to toss a few ideas around the boardroom.
But, as ever, there is a green spin - the Beach Clean Frisbee is made with 100 per cent recycled plastic, some of which was waste scooped from the very same beaches the disc will be lost on this summer.
Last April, M&S customers and employees helped clear 300km of coastline, with litter from six beaches segregated, cleaned and reprocessed before being transformed into Frisbee form by Leicester-based company Make a Material Difference. It all forms part of M&S's Plan A sustainability strategy, which also pioneered ‘shwopping': a scheme encouraging shoppers to drop off old clothes for recycling when buying new ones.
The Frisbee is on sale for £2.50 at six ‘coastal' M&S stores - Belfast (Abbey Centre), Bexhill, Lytham St Annes, Silverlink Retail Park, Weston Super Mare and Edinburgh Kinnaird - with 50p from each sale going to the Marine Conservation Society.
"We've managed to transform waste, taking it off beaches where it threatens marine life, into a brand new product that is fun for our customers and raises money for MCS' ongoing work to protect our seas," said Mike Barry, director of Plan A, while waving ravenous seagulls away from his 99 Flake. "That's Plan A in action, a volunteer event that engages customers, saves precious raw materials and gives back to charity - all with a business case behind it."
This year's M&S Big Beach Clean-up will aim to clear 140 UK beaches and canals from 24th to 30th April and aims to beat last year's 30 tonne haul - an aspiration that can only be thwarted by some clever clogs demanding a mass game of Frisbee.
21 Mar 2014
So the Tank is once again late with its increasingly erroneously named 'regular' column. We'd love to say that we were engaged in other important matters, but to tell you the truth, the paper supply we use for our missives has all but dried up now Fishcotheque has stuck a recycling bin out front for chip wrappers.
But it turns out ropey-named fast food outlets are by no means the only major businesses buying into this sustainability lark, especially when it comes to pushing the brand. Some are even going beyond carving "Fish - £3.60" into the railway arches to save on paper menus, by advertising their wares at trade shows in sustainable bamboo display units.
That's right, as anyone who's seen Rush Hour 2 will be aware, bamboo is not only strong enough to support both Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, it also grows on marginal land with little or no fertilisers and takes just three to four years to grow high enough to be harvested - making it greener than aluminium, steel, most woods, and well anything else you're likely to build a trade show booth out of.
"As a business ourselves we understand the importance of being environmentally friendly and reducing our carbon footprint," said Mark Thompson, sales director of exhibition stand company PrintDesigns. "That's why we took 20 months developing this bamboo banner stand, a sustainable and greener option for commercial companies. We have created a unique product that is cost-effective, durable and attractive whilst additionally reducing environmental impact."
All of which sounds great. But the tank can't help wondering if purchasing such a stand would leave a company exposed to ravenous giant pandas, intent on devouring the structure because a cookie at the ExCeL centre costs the best part of a fiver.
And for those of you insisting you've never seen a panda at a conference - clearly you're going to the wrong events.
21 Feb 2014
Waste can take many forms. When the Tank ponders the word we imagine a life lived without risk, opportunities missed, and roads left untravelled. Others might add David Bentley's footballing career. It's probably now safe to say he's not the next David Beckham.
But for the more prosaically minded, Sutton Council waste truly is a huge mound of steaming garbage.
Council officials - we assume, anyway - this month heaped an 11-tonne, 10-foot high "mountain of rubbish" in the middle of Sutton High Street in south London to highlight how much street litter it collects every day. Clearing it up costs around £4m a year, apparently - enough to run a library service for a year, repair 100,000 potholes, or build half a primary school.
According to the council, officers, people with sandwich information boards, and - having drawn the short straw - others dressed in "litter themed costumes" were on hand to talk to passers-by about the cost to the tax payer of picking up litter, litter hotspots, and how to dispose of waste correctly.
Keep Britain Tidy's chief executive Phil Barton thundered: "It is time everyone realised the scale of the task facing local authorities like Sutton in keeping the places we call home clean and tidy, and initiatives like this are vital if we are to educate people about the impact of their behaviour."
All very well and good. But we can't help wondering whether Sutton council has rather given the green-light for any Tom, Dick or Harry to chuck a large amount of bothersome rubbish in their local high street and claim it's a 'waste-saving initiative'.
27 Nov 2013
Wheeled out by the truckload at Christmas, they cause groans from the dinner table, or worse, post-lunch flatulence that makes watching the zygons in the Doctor Who Christmas special an unexpectedly interactive experience.
It is a little known fact that Edwin Starr's pacifist 1970 hit War (what is it good for?) originally targeted the humble Brussels sprout. Written in his childhood when he was banned from leaving the table unless he finished every last one, the lyrics were later changed to reflect the politics of the day. Ok, it wasn't really, but perhaps it should have been.
However, now a team of scientists and engineers have finally found a use for the miniature cabbage that could keep the dreaded vegetable off dinner plates entirely, by turning them into a power source.
The so-called "sprout battery" was launched on London's South Bank this week, producing 63 volts from 1,000 Brussels sprouts cased in five cells. According to the Big Bang UK Young Scientists and Young Engineers Fair, each sprout combines with copper and zinc electrodes to create a chemical reaction, generating a current which can be stored and used to power the LEDs on an adjacent Christmas tree.
Of course, the project is bound to raise fresh concerns that crops are being used to create power rather than food, but the engineers rightly claim that when it comes to sprouts nobody really wants to eat them anyway.
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