Ah the seventies. Sure, we only had electricity three days a week, two channels on TV and a record of hooliganism that would embarrass Genghis Khan, but still – it was a simpler time.
Men were men, women were women, and anyone in door-to-door sales was a randy old goat. Yes, popular fiction would have us believe window washers, driving instructors and gas-fitters were all delivering bored housewives considerably more than an extended warrantee – just ask Robin Askwith.
Of course, since those heady days, the face of the British economy has undergone a Jocelyn Wildenstein-esque transformation, which should (pay attention at the back there, George) soon establish the UK as a low-carbon hub.
But how to convince those Tory grandees who fear a solar farm might ruin that half of Oxfordshire they inherited from Great Uncle Tarquin? Well, the Tank might just have found the most convincing argument for the green economy yet, and all thanks to Rupert Murdoch's ever-charming Sun.
The Sun's hard-hitting problem page, Dear Deirdre, reported this weekend that a 19-year-old solar panel fitter is effortlessly rising to the challenge of entertaining ladies of a certain age.
"He was with his boss and was really sweet. They took a few days on the job and I really got to know him chatting over cups of tea and so on," wahey-ed a 38-year-old in the Bun's august pages this Sunday.
And as is the way of these affaires de coeur, "things then went to the next level and ended up in my bed".
Great stuff, another beautiful tale of requited love with sexy results, thought the Tank, flicking towards the front of the paper – but wait! "He's called me tonight," complained our not-in-any-way-made-up correspondent, "and says our relationship must end as his mum would go mad if she found out about us!" Bom, bom booooooooom
Fortunately, Deirdre is quick to put a metaphorical arm round the broken-hearted lady's shoulder. "There was never much chance this relationship would last," she sympathises, before parroting her unique brand of agony aunt platitudes.
Of course the important thing here is: who is this man? Do YOU know him? Write to [get back to the point – Ed]
Ahem. Of course, the most important thing here is: the benefits of green jobs are clear – not only economic growth and energy independence, but also a sure-fire way to win over that tricky Shades of Grey-reading demographic and a return to good-old seventies values. What more could all those Tory strategists worried about their party's appeal to women voters want?