The course of green love can now run smooth

The Sceptic Tank is intrigued by an all-organic lubricant that's definitely not for your car

07 Feb 2013, 00:05


There are those weeks when it occurs to the Tank that humour is dead. Long stretches of January where laughs have disappeared like sparrows from the garden, and we're left attempting to hew some withered gags out of the frozen ground of Nick Griffin's turn as a scrap metal merchant or casting calls for a musical "set in the year 2050, when the nations of the world have jointly overcome the major challenges facing humanity and nature".

But then, in the darkest hours, as frozen rain batters the cycle shed masquerading as the BusinessGreen HQ, hope returns: the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land, to borrow a phrase.

Yes, praise be: you see, we have just received details of an all-organic ... ahem ... lubricant. And no, we don't mean for cars.

Now the Tank was raised to be forthright about, you know, and never be ashamed to talk about ... stuff. Fortunately, bods at manufacturers woohoo! are much less backwards in coming forwards.

Clearly hoping to raise slightly more than a smile, the purveyors of apparently the UK's first all-natural, organic lubricant have released a laudably gag-filled statement expressing surprise that only a few green brands had dared "dip their toes" into the sex industry and wondering if "the big boys" like Durex can retain their market dominance.

Anyway, they say our skin is much thinner at certain ... regions of the body, which means we could absorb chemicals much more readily if we were the type to spread such ... substances there.

In contrast, organically-certified woohoo! puts users mind at rest that there are no chemical nasties involved when they're doing the... you get the idea.

Graham Carr-Smith, managing director of parent company Essential Health Products, joined in the fun by admitting he had no idea how the product would "go down" with consumers and wondering whether they could "put together the link between the downside of using chemicals on their skin and the need to be extra vigilant in the bedroom".

Fortunately for him, "it seems however that they understand loud and clear and it is not just a small percentage of the population who are concerned either".

Now we're not sure who he's calling a small percentage, but in the Tank's defence it's a very cold day.

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