Martin Veitch

You know you're getting old when policemen look like boys, you're the only person you know who doesn't own an iPod and, for no discernible reason, you find yourself welling up with Tony Blair as he delivers his final leader's conference speech.
But the surest sign of descent into middle age is that an anger once reserved for miscarriages of justice, romantic rejections and sporting reverses is reduced to a Grumpy Old Man's obsession with the state of the transport system, the price of beer and, most dreaded of all, the accelerated recurrence of Christmas.

It is September as I write this, and October as you read or ignore it, but the dismal pub-and-grub-and-grab chain the Slug and Lettuce is once again advertising its availability as a venue for festive celebrations and Debenhams has already erected its gaudy baubles. Can it really be that time already?

Faced with the recognition that time would appear to have speeded up by a factor of 10, the only sensible solution would seem to be to go into hiding, or assume a nil desperandum spirit and take the view that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

With this in mind, I have already booked the flights to ingratiate myself with the extended family over rubber turkey, and composed the following list of technology wants in order to avoid the otherwise inevitable socks and handkerchief "gift set".

Half-decent phone My Orange SPV C600 seems to have a mind of its own, automatically resetting itself into flight mode, hiding the option to return to normal mode, and unlocking itself with wanton regularity. And no, I don't want an LG Chocolate phone, or a Motorola Razr. The Orange navigation device is far too small for elderly, pudgy fingers as it is. Just give me something that works and is not so old that teenagers mock me on the train.

BlackBerry Pearl Actually, scratch the above: the BlackBerry Pearl is the one to have if you want email, internet and voice in one package. Give the other thing you got me to your dad.

Pocket access point So I've moved over 300 miles to transport my talent to the world's greatest city (© Ken Livingstone) and I still can't find Wi-Fi access unless I pay through the nose for a cup of coffee and pay through a second nose for internet access. Sort it out, Ken.

Sensible laptop case The industry might have succeeded in its quest for powerful chips, beautiful screens and excellent keyboards in £500 notebook PCs, but how about a scrap of cotton and padding to tote it around? Nah. The only option so far seems to be a big, galumphing affair that weighs more than its contents and has a logo equating to "Please steal me".

Flat-screen monitor Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe I am the only person on the planet who doesn't have one.

Yet another USB memory key Because, like red ballpoint pens, they go missing from desks no matter how many you own. (I know who you are.)

One of those Moixa USB battery cells Finally, an answer to peripherals that give up the ghost when most inconvenient. Nice.